To Squeeze or Not To Squeeze?

To Squeeze or Not To Squeeze?
Written by Zach Erick

There comes a time in every lifter’s life to make a decision we all must face. To squeeze or not to squeeze? That is the question. I am here to liberate you all! No longer must you break parallel in fear of passing gas. Let it out I say! How many times have you done Fran holding in what must be free? Never again will I complete a set of back squats holding my flatulence until I finally have a 10 foot radius around me. Farting is as natural as squatting so the two must live in harmony of one another. Do not be embarrassed when harmony sings its song “PFFFTTTT!”

Seriously though, sometimes you just have to fart. Especially when you are testing out that new pre-workout or whey protein. Instead of feeling like you have a brick in your stomach for the entire workout just let it out. If you’re embarrassed of it making a sound, fear no more, here are some tips and techniques to fart anonymously while working out.

1) The Scream – This technique will only work if you have a decent amount of weight on the bar. You will not fool anybody trying to do “The Scream” during the Burgner warm-up. The Scream is simple, you fart, you scream. The scream will mask the noise and you can continue banging out sets of Thrusters, Cleans, Goblet Squats, etc. The scream is my go to if I have a lot of pressure built up waiting to be released.

2) The Count – Another great masking technique unless you have a lot of pressure built up in your stomach. This is for your more modest farts. People are going to think it is a little odd if you start yelling out what rep you are on in no particular order, so save “The Count” for the gas you can control.

3) The Clap – Not lifting weight? No worries! The clap is there for you. Let’s say you’re huddled into the white board while the coach is explaining the workout, when you are feeling the urge, just clap! You are just a motivated individual ready to get your pump on, nothing wrong with that. The clap is also great for when you are motivating other members or warming up.

4) The Truth – Sometimes, there is a battle being waged in my stomach and no way to hide the fact that I have some serious gas. When this happens the truth is there to set you free. Just tell the people working out around you your situation and that you are terribly sorry. Try to situate yourself so that there is nobody behind you. If there is somebody behind you, make use of the orange cones and set-up a perimeter, letting the people know to enter at their own risk.

I encourage everyone to try these techniques next time they are working out. Trust me, it’s hard enough doing CrossFit, don’t make it any harder than it needs to be. Next time you see someone counting their reps in no particular order, or screaming every time they go below parallel, you can give them the secret nod of encouragement to let them know they are not alone.