The First Time
Written by Samie Acevado
I remember the first time I chose to not like my body. Prior to that day, I did not possess the self-destructive lexicon. When one of my friends started talking about how she “needed to lose weight” I wanted to relate to her so badly and I wanted so badly to be her friend, I copied her language. I forced myself to say how I wanted to change my body as well.
I didn’t believe what I was saying at first, but eventually, I did believe it. It changed my relationship with food and exercise. I became obsessive. And for what? I wasn’t doing it to be healthy. I was doing it to fit an image I had created in my head. And to fit rhetoric that was created and supported by the patriarchy.
Twelve years later, I’m trying to unlearn something I created. Some days I feel ashamed of my body. Like a deep dark secret that won’t go away. And you know what’s sad, the other day I considered going back to the obsessive place of control. It’s so easy to go back to the comfort of starving myself or exercising all hours of the day. It’s so easy to give in to shame. It’s so easy to think and say unkind things about myself. It’s so easy to do the “easy work.” Of not questioning why I am harming my body.
But the difference in today and 12 years ago, is that my desire to live out of integrity stopped me.
If I want to represent strong, respected women, I can’t go back to comfort. That would be giving the patriarchy power.
So now, any decision I make about my health and my body is aligned to a higher purpose. And I ask myself why I force myself to do the hard work.
My desire to make a positive impact in the lives of others is stronger than my insecurities.
It has to be.